Well, it's been two weeks since Aretha Franklin's 75th Birthday, in which Barbra was the scheduled performer BUT she called Aretha that morning to cancel - told an angry Aretha that she had a 'code in her nose' and couldn't sing. She decided to visit Aretha this morning, and brought a belated gift, too. Here's what happened...
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
Aretha Franklin: Who is it?
Barbra Streisand: It's me Barbra. Can you hurry up and please let me in? I don't want the paparazzi taking my picture of knocking on your front door on a Saturday morning. They will sell THAT picture for millions!
AF: Barbra who?
BS: STREISAND! Now open the door and let me in!
AF: Well, you have some nerve showing your face this morning. You stood me up at my own birthday party two weeks ago!
BS: Yeah sorry about that....I had a 'code in my nose' and couldn't make it.
AF: Barbra, who's zoomin' who? You didn't have a cold! Wait a hot second - you had botox done to your face! Look at you, girl! You have round shiny cheeks! You look like your squintin'! You have no wrinkles! You look shiny! You look too young!
BS: Alright, alright...keep it quiet. I had some work done on my face so I look 40 years younger at MY 75th Birthday party in a few weeks. By then, it will look 'natural' not fake. The day of your party, my face looked like a balloon. I'm sure you understand.
AF: No, I don't 'cause Black don't Crack. And now you're here 'cause your going to beg me to perform at your party, right?
BS: Actually - umm, no. You see I have a star-studded line-up who I'll be performing with, too. I have This young woman called "Adele" . Someone else who calls herself "Lady GaGa". I have this little man-child called 'Justin Beezer', who's agent has been speaking to my agent . The over-rated Josh Groban. Andrea Bocelli. And then I'm going to do one of those scary duets with a dead person - either Elvis or Donna, I'll have to see which one is available when I consult my medium. I even have Tony Bennet for the older guests to charm the Grammy voters. I'm going to perform with them, and then in October, I'm going to release "Partners Live: Barbra Sings with Friends on her 75th" - though I guess we will have to cut the dead duet from that one...I'll have to make a note to Marty. Anyhow, it will debut at #1, and then I'll be up for another Grammy. Then I will sell the whole party to Netflix, where they will air it on my 76th Birthday next year - right before GYPSY opens.
AF: So if you don't want me to perform, then are you inviting me to this party?
BS: That's another reason why I'm here....I have one ticket for you to attend my Birthday party. It's $25,000 for the nose-bleed section - I take cash only.
AF: YOU'RE CHARGING INVITED GUESTS TO COME TO YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY?
BS: That's right. It all goes to 'The Barbra Streisand Foundation to Keep Our Country Safe from Trump'. In other words, it all goes to me. So what do you say? You can take Don Rickles' seat, since he dropped out - maybe dropped dead is a more accurate term? - the other day.
AF: I don't know - I think I'm busy that night. I'll get back to you.
BS: Well, don't think too long. I have Diana Ross begging me to sell her this ticket - she called as soon as Rickles took his last breath.
AF: All right, I'll let you know - by the way...is that gift bag in your hand for me?
BS: Oh yes - I almost forgot - here you go. Happy Birthday! Open it up - I want to see the look on your face!
(Aretha opens up the gift bag and takes out this ugly orange-glass modern sculpture, She looks puzzled - not to know what to make of it.So she asks:)
AF: Ummm, thank you Barbra. But....what is it, exactly?
BS: Beats me. I got it a few years ago as an award from GLAMOUR or something - can't remember which magazine 'cause I've gotten so many awards. Anyhow I had the same look on my face - the 'What the f...?" look like you just had. So it's been sitting in my closet all this time, and I've been wondering who I could re-gift it to these days. And I remembered you - looking around this gaudy house, I'd say it fits in perfectly.
AF: OK...I owe Diana Ross a birthday gift, too....so maybe I can re-gift it to her? I'll tell her you have one just like this on your coffee table at home, so she'll want it too! Now what do you say you follow me to the kitchen and we whip up some stacks of pancakes?
BS: I thought you'd never ask....